Christmas Music...

I don't really like much Christmas music out there. It's not that I don't like the message of Jesus, or the warm happy fuzzy thoughts that Christmas music contains, but I often wonder: What is it about Christmas music that makes us think that we only have to get into, I mean really get deeply invested in the message of Jesus everyday?

This is a common argument, and I am sure you have all heard it before so it's not really anything breathtakingly provocative. But in a strange sense it is. Everyone would agree, even atheists and people who don't have any investment in Christmas from a religious perspective, that we should get away from the:
consumerism...
selfishness...
gluttony of spirit...
etc...
of what is typical of the Christmas season and get back to trying to be a person of character, charity, kindness, servanthood etc... on a daily basis. Everyone would agree that what embodies the Christmas spirit, should in fact be the spirit of life itself. That we should daily be striving to be the kinds of people who are giving of themselves and that we should always be living in a trajectory that seeks to build people up, not build ourselves up.

Just a thought...

ManHood...or something like that

We had a great discussion last night at Celebrate Recovery about Manhood, and what it means to be a good Godly husband.

With all the struggles that we have in life, I think that when we reach the age where marriage is in the cards for us, the struggle of being a husband can either be the most rewarding or the most damaging to us. In my own life, for some reason the struggle to be a good husband, to truly love my wife beyond all malice, is the hardest thing in the world to do. Why is that?

For me, I am still struggling with the fact that because of my upbringing, I don't know what a good husband, much less a Godly one, looks like. To be fair, I can look at those in our Churches who have successful marriages and ask for advice, but in the end its all just words isn't it? And I can't really trust the appearance of success in their marriages because people are notorious for being fake.

Am I being cynical? Probably...but that really isn't the right question to ask. The more appropriate question is: am I right? Again, the answer is probably.

So how does one learn from "words"?

One thing that I know to be true in all of us when it comes to being a husband is that the real issue is an issue that our relationship with God is not right. So regardless of all reasons and rationalizations, I need to pursue God first and foremost if I am to be a good husband.

So here is to seeking God...again.

Hurry up and wait...

That seems to be the motto for the Army...which I already knew. I rejoined the Army National Guard in August, after laboring over the decision for nearly a year. My recruiter was pretty cool, but I did feel like I was hurried to get in and now I am having to deal with fixing issues that were not handled correctly when I enlisted.

1: I was promised, based on my college credit and time served that I would re-enter as an E-3, which is a private first class. When I left in 93 I was an E-5 SGT. I had only been that for a few months though before leaving. To be honest, I think that they only gave me that rank to encourage me to re-enlist. Well, since I re-entered I have been getting paid as an E-1 because somewhere or another my transcripts and other paperwork got ginked up somewhere.

2: I have been trying to create my AKO account, which is my military email, and pay information, and basically a portal to everything I would need to know in the Army to get benefits etc... BUT...what is called my Pay Grade Entry Date is all screwed up and I have been fighting to get that corrected.

SOOOOO...this Wed I drove to South Bend and spent about 2 hours and 30 minutes getting all that fixed. I turned in new copies of my transcripts...Found my pay grade entry date and hopefully everything is going to be fixed...

hopefully?

talking...

I had no idea what to blog about, or what to title it so I just wrote "talking" as the title.

The week has been wierd. I was like really violently ill for about 6 hours Monday night/Tuesday morning...

I ginked up my knee...

Lost two days of work...

Just generally struggle with life this week.

It would be safe to say that I have a whole host of issues, known and some unknown to many of you (and most likely me as well) that give me a great deal of anger, depression, frustration, hopelessness etc...

The real big problem is that there are these really cool phrases that tell me I can leave all that stuff behind and get on with my life, things like:

Leave it at the cross...Let go and Let God...

It all sounds great, but it really just ticks me off because I always ask the question "how?" and no one can answer me. Sometimes I get glimpses of what that looks like, but most of the time I just get angry, frustrated, depressed, and feel hopeless.

What say you?

current...

It's been a while, but here is some current news:

1: My life is still not near being together in any sense of the word. The past few months have been really hard. I thought that I was on a good trjectory, and then I kinda crumbled a bit after some MAJOR miscommunications happened in many areas of my life.

2: "We're in the Army Now!" Yup, I rejoined the army serving in the National Guard. Starting in May, unless something changes, I will be gone for just over a year for basic and my skill training. I have been to 4 drills so far, and it hasn't been too bad, but I still struggled with being physically and mentally prepared for all that is going to go on there every time I go down. I do fine, but I still get freaked out a bit because I don't perform like I think I should.

3: Trista and I have a new Church that we attend. After Kevin said "I'll call you man" and never did, I just lost all respect for his ability and calling as a leader in the Church. So we go to Lamb's Chapel now and it's pretty cool. I still struggle a bit with finding my place in Church though becuase it all seems to be so "flock" focused, and I have always felt like an outsider. Everything seems to always be geared to those who already speak the language and those of us who don't really get that language, well we get lost. That's not to say that I question peoples intentions, but when you have been either brought up in the Church, or been there for so long that you don't really have any "non"-Church type relationships, its really hard for you to wrap yourself around what is happening outside. It is just frustrating because, short of planting, I am not sure that I will ever really find my place in the Church...

back...again

Well, it's been some months since I "left" Countryside. Really, I should say that they left me...but we'll just let that drop.

I have been at Lamb's Chapel now for about 2 months. I am still struggling to get use to the fact that I can't "talk" to the preacher, but yet he can "talk" to me. So I still either have some work to do to get past that, or realize that this isn't the place for me and keep looking. Right now it looks as if I may get past it...

Yeah, I know this is short...but I am at the Library now!!!

Yesterday...

So yesterday I "went" to Church. We were doing this thing were we were using the Internet to guide a discussion, specifically we were using Facebook.

So in the discussion the question was asked, do you believe in miracles?

One of the people online answered "yes, and it would be a miracle if someone from the Church called me after filling out 2 guest cards"

I responded, I thought, to this guy...but of course my response got posted for everyone to see. My bad...

Here is what I said: "Hey Paul, I am with you man, I am a member here and sometimes it feels like your a mouse trapped in a maze and the only way to get around is to find the scent of cheese to guide you. It seems impossible to get any questions answered sometimes, even when you follow the "rules" and use the guest cards, or the online forms, or leave emails or messages for people...you never get any contact or response. It's pretty sad."

OK, I will admit...not the best thing in the world to post for all to see...even if that was not my intent. I really thought that only Paul would see my response, but oh well. Having said that, I don't really think what I had to say was that out of place or warranted the treatment I got from the pastor after the service.

Essentially, I got chased out into the parking lot and chastised for using the service to air my dirty laundry. I didn't really get the chance to respond because the pastor was busy angrily raking me over the coals, or I would have gotten the chance to say that it was a mistake and that I never wanted everyone to see the post, only that I wanted to try to connect with this dude who was having the same problems as I was connecting to the Church...but I never got to say that.

Actually, my wife described the event as a fight, and I even think that she felt somewhat physically threatened because she jumped into the car really quick and locked the doors...locking me out!!

But you know what, I am glad that I got that off my chest. I have tried to get help for others and for myself through that Church for years now. I make phone calls, leave messages, fill out forms...I do all the things that they "advertise" that I do in order to get on what they call "on ramps" into the life of the Church. But ever since I left the ministry there, I (and my wife) have felt like they just want us to go away.

They asked us to resign because of my sin...which I did. Yes I was mad, but I got over it...the problem was that when they asked us to resign the elders made a lot of promises (they were going to pay for our counseling, they were going to help me pursue my education as part of the "path" to restoration etc...) I, and my wife, both heard these promises. When I called them on the carpet about them, their response was "we never said that"...well I should say that some of them said that, the others agreed that they had said it...but, when push came to shove...they fell in-line so as to not rock the boat.

But you know what, I gave up on that...I counted it as a consequence of my sin and have since decided not to hang my hat on that. All I have asked since then are for some simple things:
Help me get into or start a small group...
Help me to get back into meaningful ministry there...

Here is the response that I have gotten...silence.

When I confront them about this, the table gets turned and immediately everything is blamed on me...I'm angry, I have unfinished sin, I need to call so and so, and do such and such.

Listen, in my mind it's pretty simple...If you post in your bulletin and online at your web page, ways to get answers to questions and get connected, and I take advantage of those things...then the ball is in your court to respond. And to blame me when you don't, to excuse your innaction by defaming me...well that's just funny.

new stuff

Sorry about being gone so long...I have been wrapped up in reading, and working...two things that don't really mix very well sometimes.

I have another blog that I am using to for a book discussion with a friend. Check it out: Divine Study

You can join the discussion if you wish...

I am also going to try to get back here a little more often now because I have lots of things happening and lots of stuff to write about...

Also, check out my latest article at Next-Wave

laters

Love Jim Wallis!!!

Missing par Deux...

Without going into to much detail...I have been gone. Dealing with lots of sin, lots of anger, lots of frustration, and usually all rolled up in the general loss of hope.

Things seem to fall apart easily in my "sometimes" life and it seems that recently my "sometimes" life has become a "more often not" kinda life.

My wife and I argue a lot, we both make really bad decisions with our finances and the decisions in our life. Mostly we feel like we have been abandoned by the Church. I fought through a great time of sin in my life almost 4 years ago. I fell into the arms of Jesus and tried to fall into the arms of my Church...but the Church was not there.

I try to paint a pretty picture on it, saying that I would have reacted to us the same way they have if I were in their shoes...but the truth is I would have not acted in that way. I would not have said that there were things that I would do for you, and ways that I would endeavor to be "for" you in your life if I had no intentions to do so. And that is exactly where we find ourselves with our "Church".

I have fought leaving, I have fought giving up, I have tried to be the agent for change even though I myself have bee struggling to recover from the effects of sin...but it's a lost cause.

My wife and I still feel a burden and a passion for what the Church ought to be. We feel like God wants us to step up and lead in that way...but no one else seems to see what is wrong with the Church in their midst.

We are destitute in many ways...left behind by people whose voices say words of wisdom and hope, but whose actions speak poverty, destruction, and hatred. We are tired, and I am tired of standing by and doing nothing.

Who wants to plant a Church?
A Jesus centered, enemy loving, restoring, hope filled Church full of completely broken people?